I have been working at a cafe, along with other things... and I have made a commitment to perform at one open mic a week.... I am not sure where I am going for an open mic this up coming week. I am not sure I want to go to the same places... and I am feeling less motivated than before.
The first performance was great! It was a small crowd, but super supportive and they made me read two or three more than I planned to. Someone also compared me to Andrea Gibson! I was thrilled, and honored and had such a life high from it....
The second one was way bigger crowd, but since I got there late I was at the bottom of the list and was cut time wise. Beyond that I messed up certain stanzas (not that anyone noticed) and I guess I got a few "That was great!"s but ... nothing that made me leave feeling like WOW this is my life, like last time. I know I only really performed twice, and it is ridiculous to think that every single time is going to feel equally amazing. Just kind of a let down, I am not giving up, but I am feeling a little defeated. I will start posting more regularly and more coherently in the near future...
Sorry that my posting has been so sporadic.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
Experiments with Trauma: Writing with memory
I hold my breath and count how long it takes for you to wipe me from conversations-- once I was brutally honest and clear-- it caused you to break down-- it caused you to progress in a direction far away from me. You stopped fighting to see me, stopped fighting to talk to me, stopped holding on to someday. It felt strange for me. I almost missed the attention. I never thought our relationship would disintegrate in to such fine dust particles. I never thought it would feel so cruel. You were so oblivious about how much you took from me. That it caused me to lose all respect that I once had. It morphed into hate for something I no longer knew. I tried to suppress such negative feelings, but something inside me built up like a smoke stack--it clogged the air I breathed, I choked up a fire at the sound of your name, even as I was the one saying it, especially when I was the one saying it.... you are a reoccurrance in my memory that makes me shiver with fear. Maybe this sort of thing isn't so violent for others, or maybe it is worse, more traumatic than I can imagine. I am numb, I still have trouble admitting what happened. Do all women have these sorts of secrets? Nipping at their ankles in the dark. Memories that are so abusive that they could fill a ten story mansion with fear.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Free Time and Life Updates
Today I got my very first Awl. If you don't know what an Awl is, you can see a woman using one here:
(She mentions and soon uses it at 4:34)
http://youtu.be/5S366px2B9E
Before I started using an Awl to bind my books I basically stabbed and struggled to get a handy dandy needle through all the pages. It was a sufficient method if I a)was making a notebook for myself and didn't really care what it looked like b) was using fairly thin paper/the book didn't contain many pages.
Honestly I spend days watching youtube videos about bookbinding. All my free time that I don't spend reading new novels, writing, or you know, having somewhat of a social life... is spent researching new methods and using those methods to make notebooks. Last semester I made nearly twenty of these:
...It was for a last minute craft fair.
If you're wondering, yes, they are made out of recycled tea boxes... and yes I made two of them with my new awl just before this.... and it was AWESOME.
That's all I really had to say. I'm just a huge crafting nerd who spends spring break making notebooks. Oh well.
On another note. Off dairy, maybe officially. Doctor said the irritation to it was probably just a virus that I had, but still feel skeptical.... even though I have been craving making mac and cheese for a little while.
Hope all is well,
Best Wishes!
(She mentions and soon uses it at 4:34)
http://youtu.be/5S366px2B9E
Before I started using an Awl to bind my books I basically stabbed and struggled to get a handy dandy needle through all the pages. It was a sufficient method if I a)was making a notebook for myself and didn't really care what it looked like b) was using fairly thin paper/the book didn't contain many pages.
Honestly I spend days watching youtube videos about bookbinding. All my free time that I don't spend reading new novels, writing, or you know, having somewhat of a social life... is spent researching new methods and using those methods to make notebooks. Last semester I made nearly twenty of these:
...It was for a last minute craft fair.
If you're wondering, yes, they are made out of recycled tea boxes... and yes I made two of them with my new awl just before this.... and it was AWESOME.
That's all I really had to say. I'm just a huge crafting nerd who spends spring break making notebooks. Oh well.
On another note. Off dairy, maybe officially. Doctor said the irritation to it was probably just a virus that I had, but still feel skeptical.... even though I have been craving making mac and cheese for a little while.
Hope all is well,
Best Wishes!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Experiments in Food: Check in
My last post was about how I was going to try the allergy elimination diet. Since that post I have cheated once or twice (by eating some chocolates on Valentine's Day and such), but overall I've been, as far as I know, without dairy for almost three weeks. However since I started this experiment, I've gotten very fatigued, gone to the doctor...twice... and have tried multiple digestive/tummy comforting aids.
One doctor thought I was still suffering from anemia (I was a vegetarian/vegan for an awfully long time, and my iron for more than a year afterwards, was awfully low).
The next doctor, thought I had a stress induced stomach virus... the first doctor's opinion was ruled out because of a blood test. And ....well, the this next doctor, who knows...she told me that staying away from dairy for the time being seemed like a smart enough idea and I should keep at it and get back to her how I am doing.
So far, been running 3 miles+ every day since...well a few days after the potential anemia diagnosis (to be exact, four days after)...with the exception of rest days of course...usually Saturday and/or Sundays with a Tuesday or Thursday thrown in.
I have been working rather hard, but not necessarily feeling run down. I've had stints of exhaustion.. but I think that is also a part of being a busy graduating senior. Who knows, in about a week or two, I am going to attempt to eat dairy again...honestly, I hope I don't have a reaction..
because honestly, I love ice cream and greek yogurt too much to not have it in my life as often as I have in the past.
Further updates in a week or two.
One doctor thought I was still suffering from anemia (I was a vegetarian/vegan for an awfully long time, and my iron for more than a year afterwards, was awfully low).
The next doctor, thought I had a stress induced stomach virus... the first doctor's opinion was ruled out because of a blood test. And ....well, the this next doctor, who knows...she told me that staying away from dairy for the time being seemed like a smart enough idea and I should keep at it and get back to her how I am doing.
So far, been running 3 miles+ every day since...well a few days after the potential anemia diagnosis (to be exact, four days after)...with the exception of rest days of course...usually Saturday and/or Sundays with a Tuesday or Thursday thrown in.
I have been working rather hard, but not necessarily feeling run down. I've had stints of exhaustion.. but I think that is also a part of being a busy graduating senior. Who knows, in about a week or two, I am going to attempt to eat dairy again...honestly, I hope I don't have a reaction..
because honestly, I love ice cream and greek yogurt too much to not have it in my life as often as I have in the past.
Further updates in a week or two.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Experiments in Life(food)
Normally I'd post some writing, creative, of some kinda-- however I am going to take a sharp right turn and write about something a little more personal for the next few weeks: food. Since this past weekend I have had a very minimal appetite, I've been stressed out, and every time I eat something my stomach hurts afterwards I have decided I need to make a change. I don't feel like not eating and feeling tired is okay because I don't have enough food in me to fuel my body to do the things it likes to do: run, dance, yoga, etc. I'm exhausted, and it is only making me more stressed out.
After a few text conversations with friends, and a phone call to a very helpful cousin of mine, I've decided I am going to embark on an experiment I've been meaning to get around to for at least the past three years: The Allergy Elimination Diet. (Yes, Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and it may be very hard for me, but it is the only for sure way I can think of.) It seems very likely that I am allergic to dairy (I don't eat much of it anyway... besides ice cream.... and some cheeses...) however it doesn't stop me from eating it when it is in something someone else cooked.
I don't know that my stomach issues have anything to do with dairy, but I'll see after trying this experiment of cutting out all the foods that may bother me. Then after a period of time I'll start easing them back in to see if I have a reaction. Stress, may happen to be a factor, but I am going to also try to stop being a perfectionist in some areas of my life (yes, I am finally admitting that I can be a perfectionist) and start working towards improving my well-being.
Day One officially begins tomorrow (but generally starting now.) Wish me luck! And good luck to anyone else that decides to do the same-- I'll keep you updated on what's happening.
After a few text conversations with friends, and a phone call to a very helpful cousin of mine, I've decided I am going to embark on an experiment I've been meaning to get around to for at least the past three years: The Allergy Elimination Diet. (Yes, Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and it may be very hard for me, but it is the only for sure way I can think of.) It seems very likely that I am allergic to dairy (I don't eat much of it anyway... besides ice cream.... and some cheeses...) however it doesn't stop me from eating it when it is in something someone else cooked.
I don't know that my stomach issues have anything to do with dairy, but I'll see after trying this experiment of cutting out all the foods that may bother me. Then after a period of time I'll start easing them back in to see if I have a reaction. Stress, may happen to be a factor, but I am going to also try to stop being a perfectionist in some areas of my life (yes, I am finally admitting that I can be a perfectionist) and start working towards improving my well-being.
Day One officially begins tomorrow (but generally starting now.) Wish me luck! And good luck to anyone else that decides to do the same-- I'll keep you updated on what's happening.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Inspiration in Literature: Newsprintings
I started a project last semester titled "Inspiration in Literature" where I would read a novel or a collection of poetry by one author and then see how much writing I could produce inspired by that author's work. The following is a piece from that project inspired from Cormic McCarthy's All The Pretty Horses:
My friend Johnny had the newspaper print somethin' 'bout him being dead. He said it was to get rid of his ex-girlfriend. She she'd be sad, he said, but she couldn't bother him 'bout havin' another girl anymore. My friend Johnny has no concept of love or compassion. Not that I've seen anyway. He forgets. He has no memory to keep him holdin' on to anything. Sometimes he'll read an old newspaper and laugh 'bout how poetic people get. No one cares, he'll tell me, just get out the dry and dirty facts. Just tell it how it is. There doesn't need to be no poetics involved. There is no poetry in life, not real life, it is just a fantasy you people live in. You people, meanin' me. I work for the newspaper. But I don't know nothing 'bout no poetics, I just type everthin' up, looking for the sloppy mistakes the real writers make. Johnny is always pushin' me to dull it down. He doesn't want to read no grotesque details about surgery, he'll tell me. Things get cut up and sewn back up all the time, there doesn't need to be no detail about how much blood was lost, what's lost is lost, he'll say. It doesn't matter, does it? Sure people panic, people feel a strange scramblin' sensation when they think somethin' has vanished, but once the initial shock settles in the rest is memory. If you can't remember what it was you've lost, what's the point in thinkin' of it, of tryin' to recreate it. Johnny shouldn't have faked his death, it is gonna be a real trouble when someone recognizes him, or he has to give his name to someone who saw that he died--but I understand it--I wouldn't care much for obsessive women either if I didn't know who they were.
My friend Johnny had the newspaper print somethin' 'bout him being dead. He said it was to get rid of his ex-girlfriend. She she'd be sad, he said, but she couldn't bother him 'bout havin' another girl anymore. My friend Johnny has no concept of love or compassion. Not that I've seen anyway. He forgets. He has no memory to keep him holdin' on to anything. Sometimes he'll read an old newspaper and laugh 'bout how poetic people get. No one cares, he'll tell me, just get out the dry and dirty facts. Just tell it how it is. There doesn't need to be no poetics involved. There is no poetry in life, not real life, it is just a fantasy you people live in. You people, meanin' me. I work for the newspaper. But I don't know nothing 'bout no poetics, I just type everthin' up, looking for the sloppy mistakes the real writers make. Johnny is always pushin' me to dull it down. He doesn't want to read no grotesque details about surgery, he'll tell me. Things get cut up and sewn back up all the time, there doesn't need to be no detail about how much blood was lost, what's lost is lost, he'll say. It doesn't matter, does it? Sure people panic, people feel a strange scramblin' sensation when they think somethin' has vanished, but once the initial shock settles in the rest is memory. If you can't remember what it was you've lost, what's the point in thinkin' of it, of tryin' to recreate it. Johnny shouldn't have faked his death, it is gonna be a real trouble when someone recognizes him, or he has to give his name to someone who saw that he died--but I understand it--I wouldn't care much for obsessive women either if I didn't know who they were.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Letting go
Dear you,
I didn't notice it until just now. I suppose the reason we can't be friends, the reason we can't be anything at all is because in my mind we were never in love. Knowing that we've lied to each other for six months puts a strain on trying to communicate at all. Maybe you'd disagree, but the true proof for me that we were never in love was that you were unable to be there for me when my mother was going in for her second surgery. To me, that was betrayal. Even acquaintances would be loyal to me in such a time of need. Maybe there was a sooner sign of your negeletful attitude, but when I received the news and had to beg for you to be available, even as a friend...you were further than ever. You never loved me. I had doubts in my mind that I ever loved you, but the fact that your love was, fake, just a false belief, made everything feel--- too much in the past.
I didn't notice it until just now. I suppose the reason we can't be friends, the reason we can't be anything at all is because in my mind we were never in love. Knowing that we've lied to each other for six months puts a strain on trying to communicate at all. Maybe you'd disagree, but the true proof for me that we were never in love was that you were unable to be there for me when my mother was going in for her second surgery. To me, that was betrayal. Even acquaintances would be loyal to me in such a time of need. Maybe there was a sooner sign of your negeletful attitude, but when I received the news and had to beg for you to be available, even as a friend...you were further than ever. You never loved me. I had doubts in my mind that I ever loved you, but the fact that your love was, fake, just a false belief, made everything feel--- too much in the past.
Please stay behind,
me
me
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